An Ode to Drunk

Hey buddy!

You’re anxious about next year. I know this. You have questions about your first year at university. In the fullness of time, however, all of the answers will come to you through the joys and sorrows of experience (And by experience, my friend, I really mean alcohol.) I would spare you the details, although, what fun would it be for me to keep the enticing details of your future life away from you?

I know you, obviously, and I know that you enjoy your alcohol in all its various shapes, incarnations and colours: beer, red wine, stout, rosé, bourbon, whisky, rum, schnapps, absinth, rum, gin, brandy, sambuca, cane spirit… the list is inexhaustible (just like your grand and capacious thirst.) And indeed, alcohol, my friend, is the great equaliser: all people are reduced to their essential faculties and emotions when under the influence; we have no barriers, no pretense, and no inhibitions.

This is not useless knowledge, however. En effet, keep that fact in mind when the guy at the Old Gaol seems a little too friendly on a certain Friday night. (Hint: it is an OutRhodes party, he is gay and he will call you a “homophobe” when you reject his advances. Suck up the insult.) Also, non-imbibers may find your antics unentertaining. In other words, don’t annoy your designated walker-homer to the point where she will beat you with her handbag. This is not gentlemanly.

In addition, at some point during your first year, you will have the opportunity to distastefully procure a Stop sign from an undisclosed location. Sir, I advise you to knock back a few cups of poorly made and overpriced punch, and sprint with it back to your house. You will wake up groggy. You will wake up satisfied.

In conclusion, heed not the “warnings” of ne’er-do-wells (i.e. Vivian de Klerk, the Dean of Students. You’ll meet her next year, trust me, she’s an excellent lady) and take charge of your recreation. You already work hard, you work to get seven As in matric; party harder. And if you're ever in doubt about your choices, just remember the words of your favourite poet, Charles Bukowski: “When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat.”

Love yourself and above all, keep safe.


(If you have suspect you have a drinking problem, head over to here.)


  1. nonlie said...

    The one and only commonality that I found was that we both looked at how students think that when they get here at university all they’re going to do is to have the world of partying and will be drinking everyday of their lives. He made the same references I made when looking at the dangers involved in having a hectic social life, e.g. “you will have the opportunity to distastefully procure a Stop sign from an undisclosed location”. Here he made the same example I made of how you get to your first year and have a lot of fun but later realize that university is not only about drinking hence there are dangers and concerns that you’ll find yourself in about that kind of behaviour.  

  2. Nich Mulgrew said...

    Ummm... what? :/  

  3. baz sandenbergh said...

    Hey nich,

    I think I found much better advice for my past-self in your simple, yet powerfully honest letter than my own. Kick me if Im wrong, but the basic gist i got was that first year's about doing what you love, whether its drinking or not, and getting away with it, despite having to do the tedious-no-matter-how-little work we're given and without letting the nay-sayers get you down. If only I hadn't lost charge of myself, and not doubted my choices because of the fun-sucking myth of responsibility. Stupidly, it actually really got me down. To think I actually felt bad about floating a giant duck in the lake. Anyway, Im sick of playing the fool, and the fear's had me by the throat for too long now, time to set about loosening its grip, one beer at a time.

    All the best,


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